Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Presidential Politics Part II

Cross-posted at The Rhino Den by Ranger Up.

Note: Due to the glaring omission of Ron Paul’s military service from the last article, Mr. Twisted is currently required to do 100 burpees after each meal, which consists only of hot dogs and grape soda.

In part one I gave a basic outline of each candidate involved in the race to be the chosen one to face President Barrack Obama in the general election. After Ranger Up posted the question on Facebook regarding readers’ choice for three ideals upon which to stand on politically, I decided to include some of the recurring ideas in our breakdown of what makes each of these candidates super special.

First off, let’s not kid ourselves; all of them will disappoint you. It is a general rule that, upon attaining any office, a politician will lose approximately 32.7 IQ points (it’s a complex algorithm involving pi, quantum mechanics and Irish whiskey). As such, realize that whoever you choose will at some point do something incredibly stupid to infringe upon your sense of what this country is and should be. It’s in their nature. Having said that, let’s get into the biggest issues and see where each of them stands.

Individual liberty:
Michelle Bachmann: A staunch advocate of smaller government, but simultaneously wants government to define institutions such as marriage. Agree with that or not, this is where “libertarian” and “conservative” ideals butt heads. We can get into that debate in a separate column, but realize that if you want the government out of peoples’ private lives, you might have to put up with some dude marrying his hamster.

Mitt Romney: If you were in a room by yourself with the Mitter he would probably tell you that individual liberty is fantastic and that he’s hugely in favor of it. But looking at his record – socialized medicine, permanent assault weapons ban and insurance salesman-like hair – shows that “liberty” is not real high his priorities.

Jon Huntsman: Are we really going to pretend he’s in this race?

Herman Cain: This man really doesn’t care what you do with your time, as long as it involves you having a Coke and a Double Whopper in your hand.

Rick Perry: Talks a great game about individual freedoms but bears some striking similarities to the last President we had from Texas in that he likes to spend, spend, spend. And when politicians spend money, it’s never going towards something that increases your freedom.

Ron Paul: As mentioned in the last article, if you want ____ to be legal, Ron Paul is your guy. Snorting a big bag of China White off a hooker’s face is fine, just don’t use taxpayers’ dollars to do it.

Bachmann: The Congresswoman actually worked as a tax attorney for the IRS for quite some time. She claims it was so she would know how to defeat the system from the inside. On that note, how many of you are willing to join the Chinese Army? That’s what I thought.

Romney: It’s going to get old repeating this but it needs to be. Romney passed a massive health care bill in his state of Massachusetts while governor there. Who do you think pays for “government run health care”? It ain’t comin’ out of Millionaire Mitter’s pockets.

Herman Cain: No, he’s not really in the race but it’s fun to include him so we can make Godfather’s Pizza jokes.

Rick Perry: “I’ve cut taxes. I have delivered historic property tax reductions. I was the first governor since World War II to cut general revenue spending in our state budget” is what Perry said. However, some say he did increase taxes on businesses in Texas. And, rumor has it, he once kicked a puppy without apologizing for it.

Ron Paul: As the guy who essentially built the current Tea Party-type movement, I think it’s fair to say Congressman Paul is the only candidate who, if elected President, would not just veto new taxes but also start lobbing grenades into the offices of anyone who proposed them.

Bachmann: Has pledged never to sign any legislation restricting or banning any firearm or firearm-related thing. She also challenged the entire 75th Ranger Regiment to a shootout if elected President which, I have to admit, takes balls.

Romney: His record speaks for itself. He signed a permanent ban on certain types of rifles in Massachusetts because they look scary.

Herman Cain: Said that gun legislation is a “state’s rights issue.” Personally I find this odd as I’m pretty sure it’s mentioned in some type of federal legal document we have…

Rick Perry: Ol’ Rick claims that he packs heat on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, this means nothing because, believe it or not, so does Barbara Boxer (D-CA).* From his record in Texas it would appear he is very pro-gun, but I have yet to hear him make a reference to the Second Amendment including the right to mount a M240B on a Toyota, so he’s still suspect in my book.

Ron Paul: M240B? What are you, a support crew?? Get something heavier, man!
*As a general rule, never, ever trust the NRA’s rating system for politicians.

Size of Government:
Bachmann: How many tax attorneys do you know who are opposed to government growth? Either she’s one-in-a-million or a very crafty liar. With nice hair.

Romney: See above. If you vote for Mitt, do push-ups.

Herman Cain: Stay out of my business so I can make millions!

Rick Perry: As governor of Texas, Perry actually dropped hints regarding secession from the Union. His support for TSA-sponsored groping of children at airports indicates that this was nothing but political grandstanding. And pretty lame, really.

Ron Paul: Get off my lawn!

Well, there you have a short synopsis of some basic views by the current crop of Presidential hopefuls. No, I didn’t include President Obama in this list, simply because A) he’s already President and B) if you don’t know where he stands by now, you shouldn’t be voting.

As I said at the beginning, all of them will assuredly disappoint you. They desire to be in a position of power, and they plan to do so by playing upon your hopes, fears and needs. Understand that politics is not about ideology and winning intellectual battles; it is marketing. The team with the best message at the right time will get your money/vote/first-born child. Because of that, don’t expect any of these people to necessarily be who they say they are once they attain office.

Depending upon the needs of the Rhino Den, we can carry this thing all the way up to the general election. Personally, I am an advocate of scrapping the whole “election” process in favor of some Thunderdome-esque challenge for all the candidates. Build a big cage, throw some weapons in there with all the hopefuls and lock the door. It’s the only way we can really be sure who “won.”
Granted, that means Tim Kennedy would probably be our next President, which brings up a whole mess of other questions…

Until next time.

Presidential Politics

Cross-posted at The Rhino Den by Ranger Up.

Have you been following the race to see who goes against Obama in the 2012 Presidential election? If not, you’re probably on the right track in life, as it will suck the will to live straight out of your soul. I, on the other hand, do it for a living. I’m employed by a political activist group that represents over 500,000 people, so it’s what they call “part of the job description” to know the ins and outs of each potential candidate, much to my eternal dismay.

Recently, this entailed a trip to Iowa for the Republican “Straw Poll,” held in the thriving metropolis of Ames. While there are several idiosyncrasies about Iowa that I could relate to you – like sticks of butter being deep-fat fried and sold on a stick (no, seriously) – the purpose of this is to break down the race for our next Commander-in-Chief, but in a way that won’t make you want to cut your own eyelids off out of boredom. In other words, we’re going to give a Ranger Up-style, kick-in-the-nuts narrative to who’s who and what’s what with all the candidates. So hold on, ‘cause this could get messy.

Who’s vying for the opportunity to run against Obama as the Republican candidate? We’ll start with those who really have no chance in hell of winning, but it makes for “fair” commentary to include them. At least that’s what I’m told.

Jon Huntsman
Military experience: Nada.
Jobs outside of government: Mormon missionary
Ass kicking ability: was an Eagle Scout. Er…
Views: At this point, I think Jon Huntsman would be anything you want him to be. Pro-gun? Anti-gun? Yes! Fiscal conservative? Tax and spend? Yes and yes!
Overall: While a handsome fella, Huntsman lacks…well, pretty much every quality you would desire in a leader. He’s one of those guys you would look at and say “well, I guess he can do my taxes…?” but really not much else.

Herman Cain
Military experience: Worked in “ballistics” for the Department of the Navy. This could mean anything from developing the latest ship-based cruise missile to picking up spent brass.
Jobs outside of government: Executive level experience in Coca-Cola, Burger King and Godfathers pizza. I feel bloated just writing that.
Ass kicking ability: At the age of 61, Cain approached a colon and liver cancer diagnoses like a Ranger eating baby hearts before war and is now cancer free.
Views: He’s pretty darn conservative on every issue, but has, as of yet, refused to comment on what average citizens should do “when the robots attack.”
Overall: Despite the intestinal fortitude Cain displayed in performing a “Hulk, smash!” on the cancer in his body, the man did help make the world considerably fatter with his leadership in the food industry. Plus, I was always pissed that I could only get Burger King on most military bases, so I’m going to go ahead and blame him for that.

Michelle Bachmann
Military experience: Watched Saving Private Ryan and thought it was really cool.
Jobs outside of government: Owned a “counseling practice” with her husband. Remember, there’s a reason they call it “practicing” medicine.
Ass kicking ability: Bachmann has four children of her own and has provided care for 23 foster children, which either makes her a saint or crazy. Possibly a little of both, meaning she could probably smack the crap out of you while making you feel really bad for doing whatever it is you did.
Views: And you thought Herman Cain was conservative…
Overall: Let’s face it, she’s the reason I won’t even be doing a section on Tim Pawlenty. When she stood next to him in the debate, it looked like she already had put the smack-down on TPaw backstage and he was still cowering from it. That being said, her leadership experience is, well…untested, so to speak.

Mitt Romney
Military Experience: As governor of Massachusetts, Mitt once activated the National Guard there to do…something. I think.
Jobs outside of government: Romney did a bunch of private sector financial stuff that made him incredibly wealthy and is so insanely boring to read that, quite frankly, I can’t even imagine writing it out.
Ass kicking ability: Dropped out of Stanford University after one year. Lost a race to be Senator. Lost the 2008 Republican primary to John McCain. Started getting the crap kicked out of him in the polls approximately 2 ½ minutes after Rick Perry entered the race.
Views: See also: Jon Huntsman.
Overall: Do you want a guy who claims to be a Republican but likes to tax people a lot for social programs and then ban their guns? If so, Mitt’s your guy!

Rick Perry
Military Experience: C-130 pilot in the Air Force. My hat is off to him; every C-130 I’ve ever been in I wanted to jump out as quickly as possible.
Jobs outside of government: Between semesters for his degree in Animal Science (I’m not kidding) at Texas A&M, Perry was a door-to-door book salesman. If he’s smart he should hide all of that somehow.
Ass kicking ability: Once while out jogging, Perry shot a coyote that attacked him with his pistol. Though he looks the part of a “closer” at a car dealership, I have to admit that’s pretty cool. But I’d be more impressed if it were a bear. Or Rosie O’Donnel.
Views: As governor of Texas, Perry has overseen the execution of 233 prisoners (wait, make that 234…these things happen quick while editing, so do some Googling to see where they’re at tomorrow). I think that about sums up where he’s coming from.
Overall: Could very well be our next President, unless A) the economy rebounds better than Shaq or B) pictures of Perry with a boy/donkey/sea lion surface. He is pretty conservative but could also be a “Bush: Part II.” As the race gets narrower, we’ll break down the differences.

Ron Paul
Military Experience: Owns copies of both Band of Brothers and The Pacific.
Jobs outside of government: Was a doctor who delivered those oh-so-precious little babies into the world.
Ass kicking ability: Of all the presidential candidates, if there is one who has a solid MZDP (Mobile Zombie Defense Plan) in place, it would be Dr. Paul. He has that special blend of crazy-but-smart that you don’t see all that often.
Views: Though some may call him extreme, he is possibly the only, truly ideologically consistent candidates we’ve had in a long time. If you asked him the question “should ____ be legal?” and came up with nearly anything for the blank, the answer would undoubtedly be yes.
Overall: Though Ron Paul has zero chance of winning the Presidency, don’t kid yourself, he’s making serious progress. For one, people are starting to take honest consideration of some of his ideas and he is doing a stellar job of setting up an infrastructure and paving the way for his son in future elections. So if legalizing weed, stripping down government, Austrian economics and isolationism is your cup o’ tea, then look no further than the Paul family. As both Ron and Rand are members of Congress – the former being in the House, the latter in the Senate – they are already having impact on our laws and will continue to do so for some time.

I think that’s a fair break down of where we are now. Next time, we will get into some of the current issues and where each candidate stands. More importantly, we will discuss why most of them will assuredly piss you off at some point because it is in a politician’s nature to do so. Don’t let yourself be fooled, most likely none of these people will be worthy of a true Ranger Up endorsement; we will simply separate the completely worthless from the “meh, I guess…”
Keep your eyes open for part two, and leave a few words in the comment section about what issues you think are most important to you – guns, drugs, sex, alien invasion, etc. – and I will do the homework for you on each of the candidates.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Clearly the Problem is Under Control

Well this makes me feel so much more confident about the war in Afghanistan:

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano spoke with officials Saturday about ways to stop terrorists from transporting bomb-making chemicals across the Afghanistan-Pakistan border during a meeting with Afghan President Hamid Karzai and other members of his administration.

So the lady who claims that returning Veterans are a possible terrorist threat on our Nation's soil is talking with the leader of Afghanistan about how to stop...terrorists.


I'm sure her wisdom on IEDs is far superior in every way to that of, say....anyone else. Good grief, I bet one could randomly pick any NCO on any COB in Afghanistan who would know more than she would about stopping IEDs flowing across a border.

Does anyone take her seriously and think this is a valuable use of tax-payer dollars?

Friday, October 29, 2010


This blog is exactly what it sounds like -- a look at the ridiculousness of government in all its many forms and how out of control the current bureaucratic machine has become. I believe Andrew Breitbart is doing something similar, but there is absolutely no possible way it is as cool as this site. I mean, this is the Twisted series we're talking about here, after all.

I don't think it needs much of an introduction, as I think this site will be for mostly shorter posts, with my more philosophical ramblings going on over at Twisted Sense of Dating and Twisted Sense of Religion. But who knows, I could very easily go off on a Dennis Miller-style rant every now and then, too. But don't worry, I won't use as many abstruse words. Or will I....